'Aving Fun Twif Fungrish

or, Butchering Our Language Isn't Just For The Ignorant Indigents Anymore!

Hey kids! Tired of speaking "correctly"? Has your native tongue lost its pizzazz? Then be just like me and twist your English just slightly to create and fun and flavorful new way of confusing everyone around you that I call "Funglish"!!!

First, replace all your "L"s with "R"s - like stereotypical broken Chinese English. (For instance: "I love Lemon Jelly" translates to: "I rove Remon Jerry")...

Next, put a "T" in front of words that start with "W"s (exempting all words beginning with a "wr" sound, like writing, wristband, etc.). For instance, I am fucking twith twords. Or my personal favorite new Fungrish word, twhatever...

Also, drop the "H" in any word that begins with it (i.e., "If it wasn't so 'ot today I would not be wearing this 'at.")

Now take any “th” sound you have and make it a simplistic and hearty “f” (as in, "fink with your mind, fank you.")

Last, put a "C'" ("ch" sound) in front of your "O"s and "Y"s. Like C'Yo! MTV Raps, c'okay?...

Twell, fat's it's for now. Just forrow fese arterations and c’you and c’yer friends wirr be giggring for ‘ours and ‘ours on end. Prease berieve. That's arr for now! Orra back girrs, and peace c'out, c'y'arr!

A FUNGRISH LETTER TO MY SISTER FOR HER BIRTHDAY

C’Oh, ‘erro Bairey! I didn’t see c’you fere. ‘Ow are c’you? I ‘ope c-your birfday is a super hyper mega urtimate reggae party! Courd c’you be roved? Probabry yes!, maybe.

Twhat would c’you rike for c’your birfday? A gift twirr be great, and ‘ow! No, but seriousry, I am werr. I ‘ope c’your are enjoying fis retter that I am writing to c’you currentry. Do you speak Japanese? I did, in the tenf grade! Now, I can’t even sperr Suzuki. ‘Ey, wait a frippin’ second… Ret me start over a new retter, much better!

‘Owday gangster! It’s been a rong time. I twas away for a twhire battring the snow gob Ubangi and shoverring his frosty excrement. Are you stirr fancy? Isn’t it fun praying twif Fungrish? I fink arr the coor kids should be doing it by next c’year! Are c’you a fan of tongue twister charrenges? ‘Ow about then c’you furrow me in a whirrwind of wacky wordiness:

She serrs sea serrs down by fe sea shore.
‘Ow much twood twourd a twoodchuck chuck if a twoodchck courd chuck twood?
Twhich twitch twished twif twhich twicked twish?
Terrence totarry tipped two tough titties towards feir tairs.
C’old c’oiry c’Orrie c’oirs c’ord c’oily c’Ordsmobires.
Firty fick fhistres trickre frough firsty twist tricks.
Bark bark, I’m a doggy.

Now that that was fun, twasn’t it, ret’s wrap this retter up, twhy not?

Since c’you are now two and two again, but not four, I am searching for some twisdom advice to betow upon your ripe cranium. Can you berieve fis is ‘appening? I remember in twhat seemed like c’yesterday the care free years I spent as a spored onry chird. No ronger on March 1, 1986, twhen c’you came arong. But c’you twere a cute baby, I heard c’once.

Arr in arr, I rike c’your styre and mannerisms. C’your make greatness in sisters. If I tried I probabry courd not even find, twish or create a suitabre repracement. Can I borrow five dorrars? I wourd rike to buy c’you a frower arrangement. And a ‘at for c’your ‘ead if your ‘air farrs out from c’your skull. C’you are twonderful, and c’once some bigry-ass bitch was trying to talk arr kinds of smack about c’you and c’your tways but I tord fem, “Twhatever, tark to my ‘and a minute and I wirr show c’you twhat time it is!” That wirr show fem.

Rove arways,
C'Your Brofer
Aaron ‘Ernandez